And if I lost you I'd still have me
I can't lose
I was scrolling through my phone after a night out and came across the below photo I don’t remember my mind frame when I saved it to my phone but tonight, I naturally read it as to me/from me.
When I got home, I felt at home. I no longer felt like I had created a life but didn’t have a life. That’s not to say that this is the first time I’ve had a social life but I felt at peace. I crouched in front of my fridge, water bottle in hand, staring at the ultrasound of my eggs that I have hanging there. Behind it, the drawing of the entire egg freezing process.
Those eggs pictured have long been laid. And I’m far from having the 10K needed for it all. But I looked at my lil egg babies on the fridge and thought, I’m buying us time. Buying me time. Buying more while I keep creating this life before I create that life.
When I first apologized for myself. It felt too overwhelming to go through. Too overwhelming to look in the mirror. To accept everything I had put my body, my mind, my feelings through at the hope of having someone else give me ??? Whatever it was. But I did it. I apologized to myself. Over and over again.
The best way I can explain it is realizing that you’ve put the person you’re supposed to love most in this world, that has been through your side through every single thing, at the bottom of the pile. Made them the lowest priority. Only to wake up one day and be like, shit. I did WHAT? To WHO? For HOW long?
You know how they say actions speak louder than words? Yeah that’s true. But also, you have to say you’re sorry. You can’t put that person at the bottom of the totem pole forever and then be like “but see how I’m being so much better to you now?” Because they deserve an apology. And that apology will hurt to say.
But I said it over and over again while sobbing. In my car. On my bed. In the shower.
And I made the change.
Words + Action = Growth?
When I was pledging my sorority, they always used to say “this is the easy stuff, the hard work starts once you’ve crossed.” And it was like, a bunch a hub a bub about juggling sorority duties while existing and honestly, it was fine as I recall.
Then I was in grad school and I feel like I was felt some kind of similar storyline. That while grad school was challenging, the hard stuff was coming. Was on its way. And honestly, it’s uhhhhh not. It’s exhausting. But it’s not the hard stuff.
Not the stuff that comes with the building of it all. Of pledging. Of learning. Of creating. Or else.
Now is the stuff I worked for. The time to explore. to enjoy what it was all for.
I was sitting in my chair. Yes, I have a chair now. It feels so superior.
And was like, damn, I just got to spend a whole day rotting. And I can do the exact same thing tomorrow. With no stress. No pressure that I should be working on something else.
It just reminded me of Blue Water. And if you really didn’t believe before that my mind thinks in song lyrics, idk how you’ll ever believe me. There were days when I thought the stress of *it* all would never end. But here I am, staring out at a metaphorical ocean of blue water
Woke up looking at the blue water
'Cause I remember them days when I didn't
I remember who I was in the beginning, right 'til the ending, yeah
I believe, it’s the great SZA who once said, “now that i’ve ruined everything, I feel so fucking free”
And it’s like yeah. Ruined? Perhaps too harsh for how I’m feeling now. But yes.
It’s this feeling of no longer being afraid. I’ve made the mistakes (and I’m sure, with more on the way).
Issa Rae dropping the wisdom of mistakes
Now I can do the thing. For Christina. And isn’t that an amazing feeling? I hope you get to feel it too. What it’s like to try and move towards the direction of what makes me feel fulfilled? just kidding (but also feel free to work towards my happiness if it so drives you).
When I first started writing this, I was feeling the achingly awful growing pains of healing, of changing.
As I re-process, re-explore, re-feel, live through the daily work of it all. I feel less of the agony of Donna Missal. And so much closer to:
“They don't know that you were there when I had more ideas than I had dollars” - 6lack.
Because I was.
When I first heard that line. And pretty much every time (isn’t it weird that every time isn’t one word?) after that. Honestly even now. My mind would imagine a guy who understood my writing. The frustration with it not flowing. The excitement of being able to write until 3am. The ability to find inspiration in everything (see? but everything is one word. it really doesn’t make sense.).
But I was.
I had (have) so many ideas. And much less dollars to match them. But as me and my bestie screamed Moment 4 Life on my fave rooftop bar. It felt…well, I’ll spare you the exact slew of lyrics. But have to let you know it’s *my* empire.
It seems strange to make this all about my growth without leaving out the mistakes of it all. But I suppose for the context, it’s the men. The countless string of men I’ve dated and hated. I looked for love in all the places I wanted it to be despite knowing it wasn’t there and never would be. I hoped. As so accurately put in Ted Lasso, it’s the hope that kills you. And in my case yeah, it was the hope that kept me in toxic environments and a mindset that stopped me from growth. And it’s the love that is healing me. In spite of the tears, the sadness, the crying, the sweat, the blood, the well you get it.
As J. Cole says, “I’m sorry” (lol)
But also: