the girls we used to be
I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder If I'm ever gonna stop wondering about you? If you ever stop and just wonder about me too?
I’ve been thinking a lot about the girl I once on. Perhaps it’s the spring. The rebirth of so many things that were dead. A true resurrection.
The girls we all were once.
Waitressing to make my $400 in rent.
Early 20s of late night and early day partying.
Spring on a college campus.
School years spent sleeping next to my best friend in a twin bed.
Learning to ride a bike with my brothers on the side street next to my house.
Crawling in my grandma’s bed listening to bedtime stories.
What came before?
What comes next?
I can say, I’m just a girl, all I want. But the before was a girl.
A time when decisions mattered but also didn’t matter. When who will I be in the future seemed like a distant dream. A path outside of my control.
My undergrad mascot is a phoenix.
I don’t want to be dramatic and I do love being dramatic but this isn’t the case today. The girl inside me is dead. She’s gone.
It’s a common enough. You ask a co-worker, a parent, a friend and they say, they feel like a big kid just trying to figure it all out. Hasn’t that lost the essence of being a kid though? Trying to figure it out. Perhaps I was off beat, mistaken, head in the clouds but I don’t recall trying to figure anything out when I was a girl. I was trying to make it through the day, to the next fun thing, to the next “lets get this over it”, to the next moment where I could dream.
I’m not saying I don’t dream anymore but it feels the sand clock is drip drip dripping. And I’m left here to say, will it be a dream or reality?
Will I be a therapist? A COO? A writer?
A wife? A mother? A best friend? An aunt?
A free spirit? A traveler? A live in my home town forever?
Where did the margin for error go? Where did the time go?
Will I face more ashes? How many more times do I rise?
With each Phoenix rebirth, where goes the little girl?