my therapist helped me write this

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Welcome to my blog. I hope you like it?

When I would stress that I was going into a manic or depressive episode or some combination. My therapist would question if it was a symptom of bipolar disorder as I always attributed it to or was I overworked, stressed, running on no sleep, and lonely? I truly did not understand his question but after much conversation, I started to get it. I had turned every feeling into a symptom of my mental health diagnosis as opposed understanding these are natural feelings that everyone experiences regardless of mental health diagnosis or not.

I go crazy on my period. And by that, I mean, I truly do not know what each moment holds. Over the past couple months, I've decided to go with the flow (lol get it?) and let my body tell me what it needs. Do we want to eat everything? Nothing? Lay on the couch for three days? Go for a 3 mile run? Cry at the grocery girl? Girl you tell me and I'll do it. It has made my cycle so much more enjoyable...obviously still not a walk in the park but I'm not fighting back and wow that feels so lovely.

I had an hour and a half of free time today. I could write, run, or some unfulfilling combination of both. It was 70 degrees out and my body, brain, and heart were screaming for a run. Sounds veryyy dramatic but very true. I chose a run and then I didn’t punish myself after for not finding time to write. Being a perfectionist is my game and I fail at it daily. Ewww I cannot believe I admitted to that but it’s true. Being intuitive with my body has become a life changing experience for me. It really is about the progress and not attaining perfection.

Back when running was more of a choice than a non-negotiable part of my life, I would watch a lot of basketball documentaries. And this specific commercial on repeat. I couldn't wrap my mind around how these athletes did what they did everyday. Literally everyday. I just wanted to lay on my living room floor for 7 hours. My therapist pointed out that these athletes didn't have the desire to work out everyday, they didn't wake up with enthusiasm to hit the gym but they had the motivation to keep going each day. They could see the bigger picture of it all. 

When I ran my half marathon and was the sorest I've ever been in my life, I just stopped running. I mean, I ran but it was like meh. It was an occasional half-hearted occurrence that I did because I had to. But over the past few months, it's become fun again. There is no goal. There is no finish line. Only another starting line (thanks Coach Bennett). And it is the most exciting thing ever.

While creating my blog baby has been exciting. I am stressssssed. How will I come up with a post a week? and then my storytelling - will I have enough stories to do one a month (like bffr I have a new 10 minute story everyday of my life)? When I first began doing stand up comedy, I didn't care at all what happened. It was something fun. I prepped five minutes beforehand at my apartment up the street, ate cupcakes with my bestie, and whatever happened happened. Am I allowed to say what I'm about to say? Will the earth open up and swallow me as I type it? There are a million blogs in the world. I'm just one little blog or one big blog but I'm allowed to just exist. I'm allowed to not be perfect. and that's about the most exciting realization ever. But as the entries became more and more personal. And the reality of actually telling people about it, posting every week, being myself to the whole entire internet, all I started to want to do was hide under my covers. But as Childish Gambino says, "what's the point of writing if you can't be yourself?”

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Thank you for reading therapy made me worse. Nothing warms my heart more than sharing my work with all of you. If you connect with anything I write, please consider telling others about my little corner of the internet.