i gave you life.

i bring the blessings. i bring the rainfall.

This was my affirmation this morning. I hesitated over it. I didn’t “heart” it but then I went back and did. Then I kept going through my affirmations and it appeared again. And I knew that I had to stand on business with the universe???

If I really believe that everything I want is already mine. If I really believe that I am in tune with the universe. If I really believe that I am made of the same stuff as stars. Then why do I hesitate to relinquish control?

I didn’t have time to journal about this until the end of a veryyyy long work day. With Spotify on random, Falling Slowly by Vwillz came on. It made me think of him. Lately when I think of him, I replay the moments when…well I’m not sure how to describe a feeling but the moments that take me back there. Then I tuned back into the lyrics and the “this was not supposed to happen” felt so personal. So accurate. So how fucking dare you universe?

So perhaps that’s why I can’t let go and allow the universe to direct the course of my life. Because if this is the universe in charge then what the actual fucking fuck?

Or has this been me trying to be in charge?

Is this the story of the man on the roof who was calling on God to save him but God had sent a rescue boat, helicopter, etc. and the man kept insisting that God would save him?

Am I the woman in my apartment angry at the universe for not…for not…for not completing me?

---

Living actual proof that I do actually speak to myself like an affirmation psycho but babes so much better than my former self-talk.